In Any Real Terminology
by PsilentAsInCjelli
Summary: As long as everyone else believes you're absolutely fine, you're absolutely fine. (Or: Douglas and Carolyn have a conversation. About Herc. And Douglas.) / Set sometime before the finale.


**Content Warnings:** Closets, being in and coming out of. References to canonical alcoholism. Sex alluded to.

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><p><strong>!<strong>

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><p><strong>HERC:<strong> I _do _plan on telling her, just not _yet_!

**DOUGLAS:** Oh, yes, sometime after the _honeymoon_, were you thinking?

**HERC:** I haven't even proposed yet.

**DOUGLAS:** I highly doubt that.

**HERC:** I haven't proposed _seriously_ yet.

**DOUGLAS:** All that means is she said no and you're now pretending it was all a joke to save face.

**HERC:** It means we are _discussing_ things, which are none of your business, and our relationship is moving _forward_, which is also none of your business, and I will _tell_ you when it reaches a point where she needs to know –

**DOUGLAS:** Herc, I'm going to say this exactly once, and then I am going to never even think concretely about the subject again: I _don't_ want to tell her because I think the two of you are... _engaging in certain activities_. I don't _want to think_, particularly, of the two of you engaging in those activities. I want Carolyn to know that we were, broadly speaking, what we _were_, because I _see_ her at least once a week, and frequently spend long flights in group conversations that _involve_ her, and _generally_, and don't you dare _tell _her this, consider her a close _friend_, and it's getting _a bit ridiculous_ and unfair that she _doesn't know_.

**HERC:** Unfair to whom?

**DOUGLAS:** To Carolyn!

**HERC:** Is it, really? Is it _really_ unfair to _Carolyn_ that _you're_ the only one having to squirm about the past?

**DOUGLAS:** Don't tell me you're not.

**HERC:** I'm not.

**DOUGLAS:** I said don't tell me.

**HERC: **I'll do better than that, I won't tell Carolyn. Not yet.

**DOUGLAS:** Then _I will_.

**HERC:** You won't.

**DOUGLAS:** Are you out to her?

**HERC:** ...No.

**DOUGLAS:** You are. You said no because that's the only thing that would stop me.

**HERC:** Are you – _not_?

**DOUGLAS:** Not as such, no. Not as such _generally_, no.

**HERC:** Douglas –

**DOUGLAS:** _Please_ do _spare_ me whatever lecture you have prepared about self acceptance being the key to happiness.

**HERC:** Well, it _is_. One of them.

**DOUGLAS:** As enjoyable a hobby as I know you find it, Hercules, this conversation was not an opening for you to decide exactly what mistakes I've made in life and where and when I've made them. I am perfectly aware of my mistakes; I am currently _talking to one_.

**HERC:** You wound me.

**DOUGLAS: **Not _yet_ I don't.

**HERC:** _Why_ do you want her know, if she doesn't even know – well, _anything_ about it?

**DOUGLAS:** Call it a whim.

**HERC:** All right, it's a whim. Goodbye, Douglas.

**DOUGLAS:** All right, all right! Because I can see your whole perfect, rotten future laid out, happy if very postponed marriage and all, and I don't – I don't want to get into this, right now.

**HERC:** Into what?

**DOUGLAS:** _No_, this is a _bit_ more soul-searching than I was counting on doing tonight, and infinitely more soul-_baring _than I _ever_ intend to do for your benefit. No offense.

**HERC:** None taken.

**DOUGLAS:** A _little_ offense.

**HERC:** None _taken_.

**DOUGLAS:** Will you just – trust me, Herc, this is important to me.

**HERC:** I'm sure it is, but that doesn't make it your right to just –

**DOUGLAS:** Are you _that_ ashamed of it?

**HERC:** _Yes_, although _not_ for the reasons you're thinking of and trying to use against me. It was a _mess _of a relationship, Douglas.

**DOUGLAS:** 'Mess' I'll grant you. 'Relationship' is a _bit_ kind.

**HERC:** Exactly. I would rather – did you talk to _Helena_ about your first _wife_?

**DOUGLAS:** No, not much, and look where that got us.

**HERC:** ...That... is – a point.

**DOUGLAS:** Yes. Another point would be that, admittedly only so far as I _know_, Helena and Adrianne never _met_, and Helena did know the _basics_ of my previous relationships.

**HERC:** Except ours.

**DOUGLAS:** Except ours.

**HERC:** And you think that's why your marriages failed?

**DOUGLAS:** I could make annotated lists of all the reasons why those marriages failed.

**HERC:** But you think – if I don't tell Carolyn, you think it will hurt our relationship, in the long run.

**DOUGLAS:** I have no idea. That wasn't my point. My point is it is _currently_ hurting the _professional _and _friendly_ relationship _I _have with Carolyn.

**HERC:** You _really_ want to –

**DOUGLAS:** _Yes._

**HERC:** ...Should I do it?

**DOUGLAS:** I would rather, if you don't mind.

**HERC:** I –

**DOUGLAS:** I would also rather if you do.

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><p><strong>DOUGLAS:<strong> Ah, Carolyn, do you have a moment? I need to talk to you about something. Privately.

**CAROLYN: **Always a promising start.

**DOUGLAS:** It's nothing life-threatening or expensive.

**CAROLYN: **A much _better _start. I would advise _leading_ with that in future.

**DOUGLAS: **I'll make a note of it. I really do need to talk to you.

**CAROLYN: **Yes, all right, all right! Half a second! Arthur, Martin, go and be somewhere else!

**MARTIN: **Where exactly –

**CAROLYN: **I don't care in the slightest, just get out of this aeroplane. Go _home_.

**ARTHUR: **Right-o.

**CAROLYN: **Arthur, do _not _go home, we _car-pooled_.

**ARTHUR: **Right-o!

**MARTIN: **I'll just, um, work on my logbook in the portacabin, then.

**ARTHUR:** Can I help, Skip?

**MARTIN: **Uhm –

_**[Footsteps, eventually echoing down the steps outside: Arthur and Martin have exited the plane.]**_

**CAROLYN: **There. Now, what is it that's so important?

**DOUGLAS: **First, please do listen carefully, because this conversation is going to be full of things that I'm going to say only once, and then never again in my life if I can help it.

**CAROLYN: **I will hang on your every word, just as soon as you come up with some.

**DOUGLAS: **The thing is, there's something I think you need to know, or rather, deserve to know, or deserve to have the _option of _knowing, and you can't _have_ the option without... knowing.

**CAROLYN: **I see.

**DOUGLAS: **The other thing is, it hinges on you knowing something else, which I _don't_ really want you to know, but which you cannot avoid finding out if I want to tell you the first thing. So to make this less painful for us both, I'm going to just _tell_ you that first thing, and let you draw your own conclusions about the second.

**CAROLYN: **Douglas, it has been a _very long flight_.

**DOUGLAS: **Herc and I used to be... Herc _and I_.

**CAROLYN: **And what are you now, Me and Herc?

**DOUGLAS: **You're missing my point.

**CAROLYN: **I didn't realize there was one to aim for.

**DOUGLAS: **_Herc and I_ used to _be_, and I really _hate_ applying this word to the situation but for _simplicity's_ sake, Herc and I used to be _lovers_.

**CAROLYN: **You _what_?

**DOUGLAS: **You remember what I said about never saying certain things again – that was definitely one of them_._

**CAROLYN: **You are _joking_.

**DOUGLAS: **I very dearly wish.

**CAROLYN: **Ohhhh, that's... Well. Not the end of the world, I sup- Douglas, when you say _used to be –_

**DOUGLAS: **Oh, _please _don't repeat it.

**CAROLYN: **But you don't still have – have _feelings _towards –

**DOUGLAS:** Oh good _lord_, no.

**CAROLYN: **Good.

**DOUGLAS: **Yes.

**CAROLYN: **That would be...

**DOUGLAS: **A bit much.

**CAROLYN: **Yes.

**DOUGLAS: **We were twenty-eight. Practically children.

**CAROLYN: **Yes.

**DOUGLAS: **Yes.

**CAROLYN: **So. The thing you didn't want me to know –

**DOUGLAS: **Is still a thing I'd rather not _discuss_, in any real terminology.

**CAROLYN: **Fine, fine.

**DOUGLAS: **Thank you.

**CAROLYN: **Did you – I am assuming you wouldn't be coming to me about a meaningless fling, and if you would, we have both vastly misinterpreted the bounds of our relationship, but I am _assuming_, so – were you in love?

**DOUGLAS: **Oh, not really. I thought I was at the time. Maybe I was, hell, who remembers _twenty-eight_? What I used to say to myself until I stopped _moping_ about it was that I was in love with Herc for about four years and he was in love with me for about thirty seconds.

**CAROLYN: **Ah.

**DOUGLAS: **The thirty seconds happened to occur _during_ the four years, so all around a pleasant half a minute.

**CAROLYN: **Were you together for _four years_?

**DOUGLAS: **We were never what you might call together, but no, we especially weren't not what you might call together for four _years_. More like eight months, and more like being mutually very discreet and terrified of anyone else finding out that we were doing things the details of which I won't bore you with.

**CAROLYN: **And _thank you _for _that_.

**DOUGLAS: **He did – to be clear, I didn't just _out_ him, did I?

**CAROLYN: **No, no, goodness, no, I would have kicked you by now.

**DOUGLAS: **Ah, good. He does know I'm telling you this, by the way.

**CAROLYN: **Then I will continue to refrain from kicking you.

**DOUGLAS: **I appreciate that.

**CAROLYN: **Why _are _you telling me?

**DOUGLAS: **Oh, why not.

**CAROLYN:** Douglas.

**DOUGLAS: **I said I don't want to discuss it.

**CAROLYN: **All right. Well. That's fair. I'll see you on Thursday.

_**[Footsteps, leaving, the beginning of a different sound as Carolyn reaches the steps.]**_

**DOUGLAS: **I told you because I didn't want to tell you.

_**[A pause. Footsteps slowly returning, and a very careful silence.]**_

**DOUGLAS: **Because when I first realized the situation, my initial, gut instinct was that I _did_ want you to know. And my immediate, instinctive reaction to _that_ instinct was 'lock it down and be absolutely fine.' That's the instinct I've almost always followed, and it almost always ends badly. Not just with this, but with... most things. And most people. And always this.

**CAROLYN: **Self-preservation is a hell of a motivator.

**DOUGLAS: **Yes, and here I am: _preserved_. Three ex-wives and a veritable gaggle of people on every continent who call me their friend when it's convenient and know nothing about me.

**CAROLYN: **You've always seemed to prefer it that way.

**DOUGLAS: **Of course I have, how else was I supposed to seem?

**CAROLYN: **As long as everyone else believes you're absolutely fine, you're absolutely fine.

**DOUGLAS: **Exactly.

**CAROLYN: **Yes, that was my prevailing philosophy after the divorce. When everything was looking up and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. You may have noticed that that period of my life ended with the beginning of a perpetually failing business.

**DOUGLAS: **Carolyn. Are you suggesting I start my own charter plane service to stave off an identity crisis?

**CAROLYN: **Of course not. As if I need the competition. No, I'm saying that I _did_ something which _seemed_, on the whole, the worst possible thing to do, and was much happier for it. You didn't want to do this, and you did.

**DOUGLAS: **Yes, and I'm frankly not thrilled about it.

**CAROLYN: **Well, do you think I bought a portacabin, got straight to work, and never looked back or wondered what the hell I'd just done?

**DOUGLAS: **Carolyn, the last time I went for a solution that seemed like the worst possible thing to do, it turned out to in fact be the worst possible thing to do. I don't know if you've realized, but a period of _my_ life I can't even reliably _quantify_ ended with my _joining _a perpetually failing business.

**CAROLYN: **Joining MJN was the worst possible thing, was it.

**DOUGLAS: **No, of course not. I'm referring to the alcoholic haze of self-destructively botched smuggling operations leading up to it.

**CAROLYN: **Ah.

**DOUGLAS: **When I say I don't want to talk about it, I really don't. I'm not telling you this so it can become a delightful new source of conversation.

**CAROLYN: **No, I didn't think so.

**DOUGLAS: **I suppose the simplest way to put it is probably – I don't want to end up divorced from MJN. It's not a _vital_ secret, but it's a secret, and that's where it always starts.

**CAROLYN: **Douglas, I do appreciate that this was difficult for you to tell me, and I understand how important this is, but frankly you're insulting me if you think I'm going to believe for one _second_ that you're not still keeping secrets.

**DOUGLAS: **Welllll, of course, isn't everyone?

**CAROLYN: **Not nearly as professionally or as irritatingly as you. You elevate the practice to new heights.

**DOUGLAS: **Thank you. Still. This was... probably the biggest.

**CAROLYN: **And you're not going to tell Martin. Or Arthur.

**DOUGLAS: **_No_, because, so far as I know, neither Martin nor Arthur is currently in l-

**CAROLYN: **Be very careful with your next words if you want to receive your next paycheck.

**DOUGLAS: **Neither Martin nor Arthur is currently spending a perfectly reasonable amount of their free time with Hercules Shipwright.

**CAROLYN: **Yes. Well. If that's all.

**DOUGLAS: **Hold on, let me check my _list_ – come out of closet to employer... check. Reveal to employer past relationship with her current –

**CAROLYN: **Douglas.

**DOUGLAS: **Current _Herc_, check. Muse dismally to employer about past troubles including but not limited to addiction and failed marriages,_ check_. Yes, I think I've about covered my list of spectacularly bad ideas I felt the need to go through with today.

**CAROLYN: **Excellent. Now let's get out of here before Arthur really does try to help Martin with his logbook. Nobody deserves that.

**DOUGLAS: **True.

_**[One last time, footsteps begin and then halt. Carolyn sighs.]**_

**CAROLYN: **All right, listen. You don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I have permission closer to actually being _orders_ to convey a message from my son in this sort of circumstance.

**DOUGLAS: **A message from _Arthur_.

**CAROLYN: **Shut up, yes, a message from Arthur. In his own words, he doesn't know what to call himself but he knows it isn't _straight_, and he wants people to know they can talk to him. So. If you want to talk to him.

**DOUGLAS: **I don't.

**CAROLYN: **Fine. You might at least tell him I told you. So he knows.

**DOUGLAS: **Yes, but you see, he will then know _why_ you told me.

**CAROLYN: **Listen to me very carefully, Douglas: I _will not_ out you to my son. If you choose not to talk to him, it's none of my business. If you choose _to _talk to him, it's none of my business. I will never bring this up again. If you _do _talk to him, he will not talk to me. He will not talk to Martin. He will not talk to Herc. Arthur is, heaven knows, the worst person in the world at keeping secrets, but there are some very important exceptions to that rule, and this is one of them. Do with this information what you will.

**DOUGLAS: **...Thank you.

**CAROLYN: **Now let's go and rescue Martin.


End file.
